


overflow

by kinpika



Series: spectre [4]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Drug Use, Gen, Light drug use but tagging it all the same!, Post-Horizon, Post-Miranda Loyalty, When you recreate your hero and bloody icon, and forget just how much of a person you brought back too.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24265561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinpika/pseuds/kinpika
Summary: Miranda’s jaw snaps shut with an audible click, and Joker doesn’t have to be psychic. Scale of damage, numbers, reports. All just part of the job. Yet it was the look she gave Shepard, sheer amount of scrutiny, that almost had him reach for her — to tell her to tone it down. Her face was getting louder than the awkward silence.Joker had never really considered himself part of the few. But other people apparently did.
Relationships: Jeff 'Joker' Moreau & Shepard
Series: spectre [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1738051
Kudos: 6





	overflow

Chin in hand, Joker can feel his eyelids slipping. Not a lot, but just enough that the time between each time he opens his eyes taking a fraction longer than it should. A few more seconds pass, but they’re still on course. No blaring alarms, just the yawn that leaves him.

“Mr Moreau, there is substantial drift—”

“Yeah, yeah I got it.” Swipes a hand across, righting the ship. Never used to happen with the old Normandy. And he says it often, every time something happens. Something goes wrong. “Compensating for the upgrades.”

Well, Shepard wasn’t running around picking up a thanix cannon that time. And heavier shielding. And just that extra layer of armour in case something came along and tried to blast them again. Just going the whole hundred yards of ‘fuck you’ to the Collectors, and Joker was living for it.

Just not when the wings started to drag.

When was he going to fit in a sleep cycle, though? Looking over the little blue orb that could, Joker had half a mind to get Shepard up to sit in the chair for a few hours. Sure, Horizon had gone alright, and EDI had pulled the guns online, but. It still stared at him. Occasionally tried to take over. As he’d said aside, one night, no one really listened to what happened with the Quarians and Geth when it came to AI.

Joker pulls up the comm for Shepard’s cabin. Hovering over the button, about to press it. Ask for a thirty minute nap. When, to his left, EDI blips out.

“Uh… EDI?”

Normally, on the third try of the name, EDI would return. Joker finds himself reaching over, carefully tapping where the display should appear. “You in there?” Nothing changed on the screens in front of him to suggest that the AI had collectively decided to pull what he had warned everyone about. Or he just wasn’t aware of what was happening right under his nose.

“And so the Overlord begins…” muttering darkly under his breath, Joker is halfway to pushing himself up, when there’s a distinctive set of footsteps trailing up the bridge.

“So you know?” Without even so much as a how-the-fuck-are-you, Miranda crosses her arms over her chest, frowning ever so slightly. Joker would make a quip, about how so much emotion was making the Ice Queen break, but Shepard had deemed it off limits.

Apparently they really had bonded after saving Miranda’s sister.

“Obviously not. The… _ship_ just disappeared!”

A scowl now. Wow, he really was being treated to the varying ranges of her emotional breadth. Oh, an eye-roll, too! Combined with a hand wave that surely meant for Joker to follow her. It took everything to bite on his tongue, scout’s honour the only thing holding him back, and he limps after Miranda.

“Who is gonna drive, by the way? I’m guessing I don’t have a choice but to follow you.” The two of them made quite the pair, getting more than one odd look. Not even the glower from Miranda was enough to send eyes the other way.

“EDI is technically in operation right now. But… your other capabilities are needed.”

Passing by where they had set up a set of monitors for Shepard by the map, Joker noticed they were closed. Off. Set aside far more neatly than the usual messy decor that accompanied Hurricane Shepard. “That’s a fancy way of saying I have some uses to you besides piloting.”

Miranda even held the elevator for him. “You do. I just prefer not to indulge you.”

With a slow blink, Joker takes in the barely there smile. Deck one selected. “Be careful,” he says instead, elevator perhaps bordering on too slow. “I might think you like me.”

_Ding_ , and they’ve arrived. Admittedly, Joker had never been above board. Never set foot in a captain’s cabin in all his life, no sir, absolutely not. If they needed a private word, there was a special button to summon a door on the bridge. Call it being pedantic, but Joker had seen more than one person disregard rules by entering a cabin. Looks like he was going to join that group, and that almost annoyed him as much as the way Miranda enters first.

“EDI, return to the bridge.”

“Of course, Officer Lawson.”

The little blue orb that could. Winking out of existence, as lights in the cabin slowly but surely fill up. Low music, slight thrum from the fishtank. Figured Cerberus would spend a fair amount of their budget up in the cabin. But the further in he walks, the more he realises it just. Wasn’t Shepard. Almost just a person they wanted, not who they brought back. Everyone, one, Cerberus, zero. And counting.

Especially when he spies the desk, and a frame that was flickering on and off. Perhaps the only victim of Shepard. Godspeed and god willing it wouldn’t be him next. Perhaps if carefully positioned behind Miranda, Shepard wouldn’t even notice him. Because he sure as hell still didn’t know what was happening, until the last light in the room illuminated her.

Splayed out, what he had at first assumed was a cigarette between her lips. But the smell is strong, and her head lolls when she notices them. Joker would swear up and down he hears her sigh ‘fucking great’, but he feels a little braver now. Takes those few steps down, to judge the mess.

Sheets thrown everywhere. Several glasses broken. What looked to be the end of several datapads and. Bending down, Joker picks up the helmet. At that, Shepard pushes herself up against the pillows, deep drag, exhaling above her head.

“I’ll put it out in a moment.”

Miranda’s jaw snaps shut with an audible click, and Joker doesn’t have to be psychic. Scale of damage, numbers, reports. All just part of the job. Yet it was the look she gave Shepard, sheer amount of scrutiny, that almost had him reach for her — to tell her to tone it down. Her face was getting louder than the awkward silence.

Shepard breaks it, with a very flat, “what?”

“I—” clears her throat, arms behind her back now, hands clasped. Eyes trailing up, Joker following. Mild concern at the way a sheet was haphazardly clinging to the ceiling. “I had a report from EDI regarding some activity in the captain’s cabin.”

Too polite. Too distant. If Joker had to take a wild guess, that wasn’t what Shepard needed right now. Shame the whole ship was full of people a little too emotionally distant, and one person just too in touch with their feelings. Maybe that’s why Shepard kept collecting people just as fucked up as her.

“Forgive me if I was just a little upset and tried to cover up that damn skylight.” Thumb hoisted up, it doesn’t stop Shepard from smoking. Tapping out ash on the tray by her thigh. “I was distracted.”

“EDI told me you were—”

“EDI heard wrong. I just wanted it dark.”

Anderson had mentioned once, something about Shepard and it being having all the lights off. An offhand comment, when he’d handed over command of the Normandy. She said dark, but that wasn’t quite right. Apparently it reminded her of Akuze.

Joker distinctly remembers asking Anderson how she had been approved for a psych eval. And how he never quite got the right answer.

But Miranda clears her throat, unsure of where to put her hands. Settles for crossing her arms over her chest again. With how she stares at him, Joker knows that he was supposed to talk now. Try to poke and prod to get the right answer out. Except he had about three possible answers, and wasn’t the one so detached from it all, simply still seeing Shepard as a subject.

“Skylight.” Is what he offers. “You installed a skylight?”

“It was part of the design process—”

“Did you, like, _forget_ that I got spaced? You installed a fucking _skylight_ right above my bed!”

Yep, that was it. Like it brings Shepard out of whatever substance induced stupor she had been trying, and she’s rounding off the bed. Standing a good few inches taller than the both of them. “Were you _trying_ to drive me insane?”

Miranda visibly winces, then. Carefully chooses her next words, with such an even tone that Joker almost admired her. Not many would be able to hold their ground right about now. “How have you been slee—”

“I sleep in the bathroom. With all the lights off.” Clinical approach. Interrupted, but Shepard draws back. Lets her shoulders fall. There’s a word said, that Joker isn’t sure he hears quite right. Mumble, lost in the way he’s hyper aware of the scars. _Safer_.

But Miranda has to protest! Too much! “Why didn’t you say something sooner? We could’ve—”

“‘Colonists being taken’. ‘Recruit a bunch of people for a suicide mission’. ‘Don’t worry Shepard, Horizon will just be a little hiccup!’” Listing off on her fingers. Stops.

With the way her voice spikes, ending on a shrill high note, Joker realises just how close she was. And how the bulkhead probably hadn’t been tested against errant biotics, fuelled only by emotion and drugs. That glass was suddenly looking like it might just be the end. And it’s not that he didn’t have faith in Shepard — oh no, quite the opposite. By this point he was sure he’d follow her to hell and back, several more times over.

It was simply that she looked like a terrified teenager, all over again. Carefully packaged into the body of an adult. Maybe it was the strangely clear skin, fresh from being strung back together only a few weeks prior. Maybe it was the fear in her eyes. There was a five step plan here, being paved out, when Shepard scowls, holding herself now.

Joker was going to make a number of calls, and fuck if anyone decided to listen in.

“Commander, I—I don’t know what to say. I’m. I’m _sorry_. I didn’t consider the possibilities.”

All the air gets sucked out of the room. One big _whoosh_ , and it was gone. From where that had been dragged out of, Joker couldn’t guess. Didn’t want to. Too mindful to try to work out where to move, what to do next. Crunching of glass underfoot seemed to reset the room, start it over.

Shepard runs her hands through her hair, before reaching back for the stub. Jams it between her lips once more, lighting it up. “You know what sucks?” she asks, almost a mumble with how she holds the joint between her lips. “It takes a lot of shit to feel anything these days.”

Omega. Alcohol. Poison. Joker remembers watching on the feeds, how Shepard had gone down for the count. But that, _that comment_ , got Miranda to snap to it. No more feeling sorry for herself, or anyone, with how she snatches the joint from Shepard’s lips, crushing it underfoot. And in the politest tone possible, she speaks. “We never checked how your biotics would respond to foreign substances, Commander.”

If Joker had to hazard a guess, he would’ve said Shepard was almost impressed. “Responsible me put in a set of dampners before lighting up, okay?” Tap against the back of her neck.

Finding his voice, Joker remembered overheard conversations from the SR1. More than one complaint about being fitted with something that suppressed a natural part of their bodies. Overheating issues. “You—you purposely put on a dampner?!”

“Sure. Don’t know how biotics will react to _foreign substances_.” Pause. “Especially after being brought back from the dead.

“If I really wanted to fuck myself up, I would’ve bought some red sand.”

“So you _settled_ for marijuana?” Miranda was looking at Shepard as if she had never quite imagined this, in a realm of possibilities. And, probably how or when Shepard got her hands on a joint or two.

“I’m barely getting a kick out of this right now. Could’ve tried a dozen stronger drugs.”

Hands falling into a shrug, Shepard was unfazed. Folding herself back, edge of the bed again. Perhaps it was all starting to kick in, with how she was fading out. Getting that faraway look Joker had seen every so often.

Props to Miranda. Handled it with a ‘I have to notify the Illusive Man about this development’. Dismissing herself with a certainly packed look. One that could only be associated with something, anything, to the woman who claimed to know Shepard better than Shepard knew herself.

But she knew the physical, not the emotional. Here was _Elizabeth_ , in all her gritty glory — Hero of Elysium, Survivor of Akuze, Butcher of Torfan. With a file locked up so tight, not many people were ever going to be allowed in. This was the person Hackett sent in to get shit done. And this was the person they brought back. Freshly spaced.

Cerberus just didn’t know who they were messing with.

Joker stays perfectly still, until the door shuts once more. Only then, does he finally sit on the couch, deep breath. “So… what happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“Uh, did you _hear_ the dressing down you gave your XO? Even Anderson took you out to dinner first.”

That actually gets him a small smile, a snort. Careful fractures in the doped out look, to suggest it hadn’t worked. She was still in there, unfortunately for her. “I don’t know, Joker. I’m just. I’m tired. I’m sick of being fucked around, I guess.”

“I thought you and Miranda were tight now.” Crosses his fingers. “Saved her sister, and now she won’t write you up to the Illusive Man for bad behaviour. Or well, until ten minutes ago, anyway.”

Shepard falls quiet. Joker wasn’t the kind of person to assume she was assessing the gravity of her actions. Hardly. That was saved for kicking mercenaries out of high rises. Shuddering breath, as she looks up at him once more.

In all his time working with her, he hadn’t considered himself to be her go-to. No, that was Ashley and Kaidan. All three of them working on some sort of emotional wavelength he never could get. And then they lost Ash, in the hellfire of Virmire. Patched the hole, tried to figure it out, ignored regs, did their own thing. Joker saw the way she was looking at him, and he _got_ it, then. Him, now. No one else.

“What happened on Illium… it reminded me of Mindoir. And, well, y’know—reminded me of the colonies. Like—like _Horizon_ … Like I was _good_. And then I wasn’t. And I saw my helmet and thought of Alchera and just. Panicked, I guess.” _My fucking helmet,_ she adds, softer still, echoing something that Joker isn’t sure he wants to understand.

But it’s the quiet voice. The admission, that gets him. Pinpricks in the corners of his eyes, even. Wouldn’t admit to it in a million years, because it was one thing they both hated, the pity. Heels of her palms against her eyes, cross legged and. Small. Joker hadn’t seen her like this. Not in all the vids and award ceremonies and during the chase for Saren.

“Did you know they put a photo of Kaidan on the desk?” Muffled by her hands, she speaks up once more.

Well, _shit._ “That the broken frame over there?” Not the first time he’d questioned if anyone had actually done their research, but that was. Something else. Was that to fuck her up on purpose?

“Yeah… I kind of went a bit crazy with the biotics and broke it. Then I put the dampners in. Cracked.”

Perhaps she goes to say anything else. Or the smell was finally getting to him, because Joker finds something, maybe courage, and reaches out to her. Pulls her hands away from her face. “Elle,” he says, a nickname unfamiliar to him, but not to her. Not when her lip wobbles, water filling her eyes. “I don’t have any words of wisdom for you. I can’t just make up a response like that — I want to, but I can’t.”

Her laugh gets cut off by a sob, as she unfolds herself. Holding his hands tighter. “I know.”

“But I sure as shit can make you laugh, right?”

“ _Sometimes_.” Any other time, she would’ve stressed the word. But it fails, second syllable, meaning still holding true.

He’s not mad that it’s his turn to snort. To feign hurt at her comment. “Kills me to say this, but you might need to apologise to Miranda.”

Shepard groans, closing her eyes, almost pulling her hands away. Doesn’t. “God… I know.”

“Clean your room.”

“Yes, dad.”

“Feed your fish.”

That earns him a rather annoyed look, which he politely ignores in favour of. Inhaling deeply. Mindful of his next suggestion. Big tough marines don’t talk about their feelings. Or at least, some of the other assholes he’d worked with didn’t. The SR1 crew was different, and sometimes it felt like the SR2 was almost there. Maybe, just maybe, with how the path was set to Haestrom, it could feel a little more like how it once did. And Shepard could get that rather frightful bounce back in her step.

Releases that shaky breath. “And… talk to Chakwas. She’s better equipped for this shit. I’d say punch something but you already did that.”

Closing her eyes, Shepard just falls still. Completely and totally. So much so that Joker realises after about a minute that he probably should be concerned, or wonders if she had fallen asleep. Until there is a very small, very tiny voice. “Okay. Okay, I’ll talk to her.”

“Good, okay, good, great.” Words fall, as Joker hadn’t expected her to agree. Tension leaving his body. “I would’ve suggested Kelly but she’s uh… _well_. She might hug you. I’ve seen you hit people for approaching you like that.”

Shepard laughs. Loud and open and it’s like everything clicks a little back into place. Still some jagged lines, but there’s the _snap_ , everything better now, squeeze against his fingers. Releasing his hands, she pushes her hair out of her face. “Did you hear the way she talked about Garrus? I kind of wanted to see her try to embrace him.”

And there she was. Lips curled up in that funny smile she had, new scars pinching and pulling. Smug and strong and shuffling away the last few minutes worth of vulnerability. Joker knew better than to doubt her. She would go to Chakwas. He would send out a few updates. They would settle back into a regular and easy camaraderie.

Well, his cue to leave. Just a little too warm. Not sure whether to pat her knee or back, as he stands over her. Scratching the back of his neck, Joker nods awkwardly. Maybe he’ll figure out this shoulder-to-cry-on thing eventually.

“Hey, Jeff?”

Halfway to the door, foot almost catching on the steps. Looking over his shoulder, he catches Shepard staring at her helmet again, one knee drawn into her chest. “Yeah?”

“Thanks. I mean it.”

Clearing his throat, Joker takes off his hat, pushing his fringe back before settling it again. “All good. And I would say anytime, but I feel like I might have to prepare myself for the next time so… give me a half hour warning, yeah?”

She shakes her head, but she’s grinning, waving him off the rest of the way. Door slides behind him. In the little dark hallway, glow of the elevator panel before him. Joker finds himself, in the quiet, releasing one long, slow, _wow_.

“You did well with Commander Shepard, Mr Moreau.”

“Uh, thanks, EDI. I guess.”

“Since your discussion, Commander Shepard has contacted Doctor Chakwas regarding her sleep schedule and small counselling sessions. Also, Operative Lawson has contacted Cerberus engineering to install a mobile cover for the skylight in the cabin.”

“Yeah, cool, hey, EDI? Maybe don’t let everyone know you were spying on them. Shepard won’t be as… nice about it, probably.”

“Of course. You also received a message from Staff Commander Alenko, requesting to be forwarded to Commander Shepard.”

“What? Oh, fuck, look. Don’t forward it. Just… wait, okay? Can we fly now? I’m not a therapist, and I’m not playing matchmaker.” Quieter, aside. “Shepard really doesn’t need to worry about Kaidan right now, okay?”

“Understood, Mr Moreau.”


End file.
